youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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