News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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