but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
