hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
