I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
