She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize