Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
