fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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