I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
