I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
