Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize