I can text with my tongue
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize