So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Randomize
