HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
