Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
