I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
