why do cheetos always look like penises
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
