I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
