I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
