i think my mom watched the whole time
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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