my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
