god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Houston, we have a squirter
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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