I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
