whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
