Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
