3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
