Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize