The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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