it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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