My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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