that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
