I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
