I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
