Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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