I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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