dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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