Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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