We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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