I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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