Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
