The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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