my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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