Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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