the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
