Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
