We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
