i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
