So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
