I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
