Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
