So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
