Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
