...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
