I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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