I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My life is pants optional.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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