Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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