you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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