the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
